In the stillness, I sit without light except the glow of the TV, My chair creaks beneath the weight of thought as I shift, searching for comfort in its worn fabric, frayed by sleepless nights

07 April
The mirrored clock ticks steadily, each sound a reminder of what’s been lost, of moments, of death, of loneliness and pain for the last 10 years

I recall the feeling, as I watched the last several rapid heartbeats before the breath, unfiltered, left forever; then suddenly the rush of warmth that filled my chest as my body betrayed me, blood pressure soaring to dangerous heights, and help was needed as I collapsed on the hospice floor

Instinct spoke again but sooner as this was again, the second time in five months, on the seventh day……Mother went before Dad

A whisper before reason stepped in, wearing  armor, yet tangled in doubt,mental resistance rises, but it only wants to ease my heart, thumping still in defiance, screaming why, why why, they didn’t deserve horror in death
That clock reflects the face of a child once unafraid of falling who trusted the hand that caught me,those hands that lifted me each time I fell

For ten years plus, I’ve measured the distance to the ground daily, sifting through fragments like a miner seeking gold, each as placer gold leaving questions more than choices
Now, I gather what remains of memory and feeling, holding it close with care and gentleness thereby choosing to trust the warmth of memory, where hurt begins and never, never ends

Miss you Dad and Mom